On Oct 19, 2021, I woke up to a trending Tiwa Savage. An alleged sex tape was leaked, and it went viral. Gladly, I don’t have details like how the video came about or who released it. I also did not see the tape. And I am not interested.
My interpretation of the outrage, judging from the commentaries online, are as follows:
- The fact that she, an adult, had consensual sex. How dare she!
- The fact that it was documented. And, I have reasons to believe Tiwa did not consent to the recording.
- The fact that she was having a good time. I didn’t see the video but her response to the ‘act’ is a running commentary on the popular Instagram page where I learned about the viral tape. ‘How dare she vocally express her pleasure – ‘wayward.’ Aru – Abomination!
Humans! A bundle of contradictions. Wired to compliance. Affinity to popular culture and response. Why ask questions when you can be innocuous, inconspicuous, and complicit at the same time, I mean, the mantra is ‘whatever you do, and you can do whatever, just don’t get caught.”
There’re layers to unpack, but my focus is on society’s cultural relationship with sex. It is shaming. The top ten porn consumers, according to this India Times article, happen to be some of the world’s leading conservative societies. Did you know that in 2013, Nigeria ranked second globally for internet searches for gay pornography?
This brings me to my point on shame and canceling.
‘A shaming culture perpetuates victimization.’
Webster dictionary defines shame as a “painful emotion caused by the consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety.” Shame researcher Brene Brown defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed, and therefore, unworthy of acceptance and belonging.”
For years, shame had a stronghold on me. And it led to self-sabotaging behaviors. As a result, I focused on compliance and public acceptance rather than the courage to be truthful about my feelings, values, and choices, even if they were unpopular.
Charting a path of honesty and truth is the most edifying journey you can take for yourself. Shame is so corrosive that you begin to believe that there’s something inherently wrong with you, that there’s no way to get better, nor is there any point in trying. Shame is damaging.
We are a shaming culture, and it’s employed in how we parent and nurture relationships. So, for example, a person in a shaming culture may ask, “how will they look at me if I get divorced” than “is my reflection on this relationship honest, and is it right for me?”
Canceling is a fallout of shaming using social media. Dictionary.com defines it as “calling out the bad behavior, boycotting their work (such as by not watching their movies or listening to their music), and trying to take away their public platform and power.” It heightens mob culture – ‘follow follow’ as we say in Nigeria. It’s people threatening to boycott Tiwa’s music and all that she represents. As a woman without Tiwa’s public fame, cancel culture is seen in the isolation you feel. When folks who identified with you in the past overtly withdraw or keep silent in the face of your’ persecution.’
Adults make poor choices. Teenagers and young adults will make mistakes, choose stupidly, and hopefully learn despite upbringing and values. Some errors will be a lesser evil than others – some unforgettable. One of my prayers is for my children not to make “irreparable” mistakes.
Two years ago, I created a narration on “resisting shame in a shaming culture.” Summarily, in this recording, I encourage the ownership of our life stories like Tiwa did by telling or writing it yourself. Resilience is required to disavow public commentary and own your truth. We need more shame-resilient women and men.
To develop shame resiliency, the following may help:
- Set firm boundaries and know your triggers. Once you identify what sets you down the path of shame, take steps to avoid that trigger.
- Practice compassion for yourself first and others.
- Reject shame-based thoughts. For instance, if someone says you were dishonest or didn’t do enough, and this is not true, dispute it.
- Surround yourself with supportive people, and do not hesitate to cut off a negative person. Research shows that shame-based people often grew up with hypercritical parents. That is essentially a majority of Nigeria’s population! When you believe there’s something wrong with you, you will tend to attract people who confirm your misguided notion. When possible, end relationships with individuals who make you feel bad about yourself or bring out the worst in you. If you can’t get rid of the relationship, limit contact. Spend time with those who treat you well and make you feel good about yourself.
- Start developing yourself. Throw away all toxic narratives. Get professional help if you can afford it. Find a friend or family member who will listen. Change your mindset. Unlearn unhealthy habits and beliefs.
- My natural default is to explain. Thank goodness for growth. Please resist the urge to explain yourself. When someone tries to shame you, it is most likely that they’ve judged you. Hence, highly probable that they’re committed to misunderstanding you. Don’t engage.
- Find what works for you. Then, repeat, repeat, and repeat!
Brene Brown says, “if you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment.” Tiwa decided to tell the world that there was a sex tape; she was vocal about it, and hopefully, she’s forgiven herself. I also had to use this method to resolve past issues and now.
I empathize with every woman who has liberated or is liberating herself and has been shamed in many ways. I applaud every woman or man who’s found the courage to embrace their independence, success, and identity. Good for you.
Do you! The rest of the world will be okay.
