“Keep up appearances; there lies the test; The world will give thee credit for the rest. Outward be fair, however, foul within; Sin if thou wilt, but then in secret sin.” Charles Churchill
Let’s talk about hypocrisy in parenting.
I’ve been following recent news on delinquent behaviors among minors. The more recent incidence, which I make a passionate thread about on my Instagram page, concerns the trending sex video of two Chrisland school minors while on a school trip in Dubai.
Following the video, her mother’s interview, and new information concerning the incident, the public outcry focused on the failures of today’s parenting. As I reviewed the facts and further information, I couldn’t help but agree.
When parenting fails, there’s a tendency to point the finger at the woman. But parenting is a joint effort; the father and mother are equal shareholders in the outcome. Some wondered about the Chrisland girl’s parents, especially the mom (I did too on my IG). Others cautioned against blame. The caution was that parenting is not easy and that a well-cared child with role model parents may still turn out differently. And I agree 100%. Unfortunately, there is no formula for successful parenting; there are no guarantees.
However, a plethora of scientific data shows a strong correlation between conscious parenting and positive adult outcome. The problem is, how are you defining parental success? Another definitional problem is, the parents we term ‘good,’ are they? Is there a possibility that their parenting is’ performative or pretentious?’ Are they hypocritical?
At different points, every parent has contradicted themselves. Hence, it’s safe to say that we’re also hypocritical. We are frustrated at our kids for not being disciplined to stay on task, but we aren’t either – we can’t stick with our lifestyle changes. We complain about screen time but spend hours mindlessly surfing the internet or watching back-to-back TV. We ask them to play outside more but have zero physical activity in our daily schedule. We blow steam when they lie, but they catch the white and black lies we tell daily. The list goes on, but we all get the gist of how we unintentionally have double standards. This article shares more details.
The hypocrisy I’d like to focus on is ‘moral hypocrisy.’ If all the parents that raised my generation were ‘solid,’ why do we have a sizable dysfunctional population? Could there be a causal relationship between how they were parented and how they turned out? Or is it, yet again, the gamble of parenting? Perhaps yes, but maybe not, or not in all cases. Our generation as parents may not be insulated from the complicity of moral hypocrisy and parenting outcome.
Our society is deeply religious, yet the ills persist at an alarming scale. The contradictions range across scales. Instances are – raising your kids in church/religion and all; meanwhile, the house is riled with all forms of violence between the parents, infidelity is a norm, and the house staff is subjected to all forms of abuse. There’s manipulation and deception about money. Accountability is contradicted when they see how the parent makes decisions and casually rationalizes taking funds that aren’t theirs. The list is long.
Our culture does not respect the child. We consider them silent participants in their life’s trajectory. And that’s why a Nigerian parent would contradict themselves brazenly before their child and feel no shame or remorse. My father was mostly performative, and when I pointed out his contradictions, he’d call me a ‘child.’ When interfacing with their kids, parents turn into chameleons and think that they don’t see what’s happening. Nope! Our kids see the contradiction. They know the falsity. They resent the paradox. Nigerians publicly raise the roof about sin and hell but are six-star professional and closeted ‘sinners.’
That’s the contradiction we need to call out before we lay the blame for the outcome on the child being an autonomous being. Statistics indicate that ‘children are more prone to modeling behavior.’ Our choices in life end up becoming our children’s choices. But, of course, we aren’t perfect, so it’s impossible to model good behavior consistently. I teach my kids about regulating their emotions but have crumbled under my feelings a few times (facepalm).
Also, let’s not mistake provision for parenting.
I know great parents that did the work but didn’t get the results they hoped for. I can’t imagine how it feels. I also know parents who looked or look solid as parents on the outside, but they contradict their parenting by their hypocritical lifestyle and choices.
We may find some answers at the root of my hypothesis. Parenting is a gamble BUT let families convene and review, without fear, if they’re living the life (internally or externally) that they want their child to copy. Also, define what successfully parenting will look like for you, and it’s not the glitz and glamour definition of our popular culture.
I’d be fulfilled if my daughters were fearless, fun-loving, faith-filled, self-aware, and kind adults who care about people and what they do. What’s yours?
