Recently, when I picked up my daughters from school, one of them had a long look and was teary-eyed. What’s up, babe I asked as we walked towards the car? She looked up, eyes scanning around to ensure there wasn’t another ear in sight, and replied, ‘my language teacher doesn’t like me,’ and climbed into the car.
Instantly, I felt that innate and primal maternalistic emotion growing in me. The instinct to react. To protect and preserve. Because how can someone not like my child? *#sarcasm. But I choose silence, employing the tools of ‘observation.” to participate in what’s going on internally but not feeding it. Our drive home was quiet, but as we pulled into the garage, I finally spoke up, and it was a question to my daughter.
“What do you do when someone doesn’t like you?”
For most people to dislike someone, there’s usually a history. For others, there’s none. I have heard adults say things like – ‘I don’t like X,” and when asked why, they’ll say – ‘nothing, I just don’t like them.’ What do you do in that instance?
A while ago, a friend told me that someone I had just met in our circle told her she didn’t like me. My friend asked her why, and after a casual shrug of the shoulders, she said – ‘she’s a snob.’ I had only met this person once, so I was hurt. I reflected and then wondered if she picked up on my awkwardness or a shy moment and mistook that for snobbishness. Another time, a colleague with who I thought we had a collegial relationship – no altercations or difficult personal conversations, except work-related variances, blurted out that I hated her one day. I wanted to ignore her, but I inquired further to see if I may have sent a wrong signal or was doing something that made her think so – all the while certain that I did not hate her. I don’t have a hate gene in me. So, I asked her why she felt so? She hesitated and all, eventually saying that it was a feeling – ‘nothing tangible, it’s just a feeling that I have, I just think you hate me.” I responded, saying that I did not, and in the absence of merit, I adjusted our interactions and moved on.
So, what do you do babe, I asked, repeating the question? The whole family engages with this topic, and we discuss it extensively. We concluded that most times, you do nothing, and sometimes, you act. Whichever it is, breathe, regulate, and then respond.
Suppose someone tells me directly that they don’t like me. I know my response will be ‘OK.’ Shrug it off and disconnect. Why? Because I find that sentence heavy. Now, if you point to an interaction, an action, etc., I’ll address it. But saying you don’t like someone over a misunderstanding or behavior is often the symptom of a bigger problem outside the person’s control.
Summarily, what do you do?
- First, evaluate the relationship. Essentially, why should you care? If they’re significant people in your life, ask them why and listen. If they aren’t and don’t offer to shed more light, resist ‘feeding it.’
- Reflect, put yourself in their shoes and acknowledge what you may have done wrong.
- Hopefully, if there is substance and they’re open to resolving it, play your part in the process. If not, disengage and move on.
- Do not give people power over you. Nobody should.
If there is a power dynamic in play, an adult needs to get involved like in my daughter’s case. But first, investigate the merit of your child’s feelings. I don’t mean that their feelings aren’t legitimate; I am saying that sometimes, feelings aren’t fact. For example, my baby’s case ended up being because she was cautioned for causing some distraction in class, and she didn’t like her tone. The morning this happened, the same baby told me she didn’t like being told what to do? LOL! A week later, I checked in with her about the teacher in question, and she said, ‘oh yeah, I may have overreacted.’
We’ve all experienced some pain. Human beings are emotional beings and mostly irrational. Some refuse to let pain change them, so they live intentionally and continue to be positive, and spread love and forgiveness. And there’s the other group that doesn’t. So that is why it’s important to like yourself. It is also important to constantly do a mental audit to reset yourself and reconnect. When I am stressed, I am impatient, and it can come off as dismissive, which isn’t nice. Insecure people project. Hurt people tend to hurt others.
So when next you encounter someone that doesn’t like you for an apparent reason, release them as you liberate yourself.
Marcus Aurelius encourages us, “When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: The people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, and surly. They are like this because they can’t tell good from evil.”
