What does it feel like, my daughter asked? Rejection and shame, I responded. But what I didn’t add was that you feel scammed. Those moments of feeling seen, unconditionally loved, the vulnerable moments where you felt safe, all that plays out like a movie and leaves you wrestling with unwantedness. You know that they had a choice and that you weren’t chosen.
My earliest recollection of feeling like this was when someone I trusted as a child believed a stranger over me. I was gutted. I had a few others, but the next significant one was high school. I had transferred to a new school hundreds of miles away from home and was desperate to make friends. I thought this girl wanted to be my friend – so as a starry-eyed and naive teen, I trusted her until she ‘played me.’
We were outside the classroom and in daylight, and she asked me to hold her backpack for a short while as she ran a quick ‘errand.’ She dashed into the building and was out almost immediately. As we started walking to the dormitory, I handed back her bag, and she immediately started sorting through it. I thought nothing about it until she asked me about her money. I was confused. What money, I wondered out loud? She yelled at me and said I had ‘taken’ her money. Everything happened so fast, the next thing I knew was some girl came to my room and told me that the custodian wanted to see me.
At her office, I was crying inconsolably (not like I was being consoled, though) and kept saying, “I don’t have her money.” The custodian didn’t investigate. It seemed like her mind was already made up because she didn’t ask any questions and closed the case. I have spent hours looking for this girl over the years, and she’s a ghost. I think she’s changed her name because I now believe that I wasn’t her only victim. If you went to secondary school with me and know how I can reach first name ‘E’ and last name O, let me know because she owes me an apology, or at least I want the pleasure of calling her a coldhearted liar to her grown face.
My adult experiences have cut deep, some more than others. William Blake said it’s easy to forgive an enemy than a friend or a lover. I always said I could forgive anything. But I struggle here.
Everyone is capable of healing from anything. Through a painful process of self-reflection, I figured out the teachings from these experiences. In reality, the searing emotions that I experienced from the betrayals were the only way to learn that love isn’t always enough. Loyalty is hard to find.
This Psychology Today article discusses the findings of a study on people’s emotional responses to different situations involving betrayal of trust. They find that betrayal by people we care about hurts and destroys our self-esteem. The researchers link this reaction to an emotion – the feeling of not being valued. The report concludes with expert advice on how to get over this pain, and it is ‘readjusting your values and redefining how we view situations.” Interesting!
People say after a betrayal that they would never trust again, and I understand why. But, I chose to continue trusting. One of my life’s philosophies is to be what I seek as much as possible. I seek trust and loyalty, and to receive this, I’ll try as much as possible to give it. I don’t see how my life will be complete if I don’t.
There are levels to betrayal trauma, and how we recover or address it will differ. My journey has evolved, and it included the following:
- Seeking professional help. I was in active therapy for years, and now, I only go for maintenance. Find a trained professional to help you.
- With this came the courage to dive deep into my experiences and emotions. I started getting comfortable with my good and bad emotions and practiced this consciously with my daughters.
- I shared with trusted friends (YUP trusted- :)), who were my support group. Amazing friends and I know that I’m blessed.
- Slow down. If you’re like me, this is important. Because I became comfortable with my emotions, I also learned to care for my needs. This article gives detailed suggestions on how we should respond to our needs.
Like love, loyalty is actionable, not just a feeling. It requires intentionality, choosing to persevere. A commitment and a conscious choice.
I am still trusting, and that comes with vulnerability. And every day, I am reminded of Rumi’s words –
“the pains you feel are messengers, listen to them.”
