Is my child ready for a cell phone?

Haara finally got a phone at 13.5 years old! It was wrapped, then put in an empty insect repellant box for disguise purposes, and then wrapped again. As our Christmas tree started filling up with wrapped presents, I saw Haara occasionally survey the area, trying to gauge each box’s content. The ‘unboxing’ was filled with anticipation.

Since third grade, Queen Haara persistently and consistently requested a phone, and unfortunately, she was disappointed each time. Every time I decline, she’ll expectedly get emotional and, I’ll launch into an unsolicited but necessary explanation on why it’s not time yet.

Cell phones are great. They can be safe if well used. It offers kids the ability to communicate with parents and family members. Kids learn how to communicate and have access to timely and valuable resources. On the other hand, it can be destructive. When a child has a cell phone, they immediately become exposed to the internet’s abundance of harmful and age-inappropriate materials like pornography, language, and pictures. Cyberbullying and predators are usually encountered through ‘child safe’ apps and games. Again, there are pros and cons.

Giving your child a phone should be carefully considered. After a few years of requesting to no avail, Haara solicited her sisters’ support, and the pressure heightened. At some point, her father wanted to get her one but knowing my position, she asked him to hold on so she could ask me. I said, ‘it’s not time yet,’ and she didn’t like it.

Haara long checked off the ‘outward’ boxes for a child ready for a personal phone. She’s responsible, straight A student, kind, and hardworking. However, as her mom, I knew she wasn’t emotionally ready for this responsibility.

She always maintained that her desire to have her own phone was to communicate at her convenience. We have had a spare cell phone at home for years. It is for the family’s use – for her and her sisters to call me, for their father to reach them directly and vice versa, and communicate with their friends collectively. They also all have iPads. Growing up in Nigeria, mobile technology became available for everyone around 2000/2001. In 2001, I had just completed my first degree and was getting ready for the country’s compulsory national service (NYSC). Around then, maybe 2002, was when I got my first cell phone. We had a landline (wired house phone) at home, but I barely recall receiving personal calls on it. It wasn’t that I wasn’t allowed to use it; I just didn’t ask or realize that I could or needed it. Not sure what it was now. I unconsciously checked off buying a cell phone for Haara until she’s ready to leave home for college, LOL.

So, I didn’t understand why or could relate to her ask. During her ‘ask’ period, at some point, we agreed that her phone desire was fueled solely by peer pressure. Though peer pressure, in some cases, bullying, is expected, and we should teach our kids not to yield, she had rolled with it. I had decided to buy her a phone on her 13^th birthday, and a few weeks before, I found out she had given friends the impression that she owned the phone. So, I delayed buying the phone for the critical teaching and parenting moment that I needed to explore so she could learn these important lessons:

1. Honesty with friends
2. Authenticity in relationships. True friends should respect preferences and differences; otherwise, they aren’t friends
3. Healthy family rules and values are golden and should override external viewpoints.
4. Material acquisitions don’t define you.
5. Lastly, the ability to withstand peer pressure.

Six months later, the lesson was learned, and it showed in other peer pressure influences and her choices. And I was finally able to check the mental maturity and accountability box.

When your child requests a phone, I recommend doing the following:

• Ask, why?
• Evaluate their technology habits.
• Silently observe their phone behavior, primarily how they communicate via text or calls.
• Observe their ability to self-regulate their internet use – games, videos, social media, etc.
• You can ‘loan’ them your phone for brief moments during the day or for a period. Or better still, have a ‘spare’ family cell phone.
• Do not rush the decision. Patiently evaluate.

One year in a child’s life is significant because mental and physical milestones are reached. The difference between Dec 2020 to Dec 2021 is that Haara showed positive mental and emotional progression. She started regulating her technology use (iPad and TV). She’s also busy at school and with sports, so the need has become imminent with her long hours outside the home. Our conversations at home are unhinged, so we talk daily about sex, pornography, sexual predators, how they fish and groom. We’ve also talked about internet safety measures, cyberbullying, and text and phone call etiquette. I knew that she had the essential tools to manage technology and the internet.

When she opened the box, her reaction was priceless, and we all cried happy tears. One of the conditions for her phone ownership is to study materials (brief videos and texts) and refresh her knowledge on internet safety and phone etiquettes. We’ll process this together, and afterward, we’ll sign a binding phone agreement (contract). Learning about safety and good phone habits and signing an agreement makes it formal and is mentally represented in your child’s mind as a serious matter. In addition, a physical document opens the communication line and is a constant reminder and reference to the rules and penalties. And I am not playing with enforcement because I want to have my hairline at 50!

Her contract is in her room and placed in a visible place. Her sisters are rooting for her not to default for obvious ripple effect reasons. I trust that she will respect the rules like no phone use after a particular hour, proper language in texts, limits to social media, etc. She’ll also always share her passwords, and we’ll occasionally go through her phone together. Yeah, I know teens can be ‘creative,’ but I choose to trust my child and that she’ll protect that trust. In my home, as I parent my minor children who haven’t experienced life as I have, I am obligated to protect and prevent. I respect my kids’ privacy, but I hold them accountable as they keep me. If all stays good for a period (honestly, a few months maybe), I plan to null our agreement at some point.

After getting your child a phone, share and discuss these WebMD tips with your child. Also, a formal agreement can help strengthen the understanding. You can draft one based on your family’s needs or give your child some ownership by asking them to create the first draft. You can also use my version if you want.

Download my FREE Cell Phone Agreement for Teens by filling this form below, and the document will be sent to your email immediately.