My 9-year-old forgets to carry out some basic morning routines before school. So now we run a list by her before she catches the bus. One day, I was frustrated and said to her, ‘I don’t understand why you don’t remember these basics. I was in boarding school at your age, and nobody reminded me.”
Memories of middle and high school days and some of my marriage years are hazy. I remember when my mom dropped me off on the first day at boarding school. I was tiny, scared, timid, naïve but had a curious mind. I was frightened, and everyone looked like giants. I recall watching my mom leave and how I felt. I remember a senior (more seniors later) sending me to fetch water for her at night, and this happened uncountable times in the one year that I was at the school. Bringing water for seniors wasn’t frowned on then – it was expected, but I was this frail sheltered 9-year-old, now alone and navigating lonely paths in the evenings and at night to get water. I was scared to death. Sometimes it would be pitch dark, and I’ll make out the path from instinct and memory. I remember these seniors taking all my snacks (provisions) and money. I recall being whipped and crying myself to sleep. I recall the name callings—the physical abuse – the slaps and shaming culture. When my parents visited town, I was pulled out of this school and put in another boarding school. I had my experiences at Queens School but nothing close to my first boarding experience.
My siblings were also bullied. One day, my parents received a call from my brother’s school because he had been beaten up by fellow students.
I stopped being a boarding student in my senior year. Typically, that is when kids like boarding school because they are now in positions of power. I wasn’t interested. It took me years to realize how much I internalized the bullying, its impact, and my boarding experience. Adulthood would force me to investigate these traumas and resolve them, thankfully.
I followed the news of 12-year-old Sylvester Oromoni with deep sadness, leading me to revisit my past. I also read about other unexplained deaths of young Nigerian kids in boarding schools. Over the years, family and friends have shared their horrific bullying experiences. It is sad; despite thinking we’re now okay, it’s in the past, and we’re all grown; the fact is we’re not OK. We need to process all traumatic experiences and heal deliberately to not bleed on our present.
Sylvester’s death caused outrage and led people to share their personal experiences with bullying in boarding schools. Some commenters decried boarding schools. Some blamed his parents for not acting fast. Some people wondered why anyone would send their kids to boarding school. Some focused on the school, which reneged on their responsibility, and should be accountable. Most responses focused on the bullies and their parents. I also saw comments on how increasingly hard it is to parent in today’s world – essentially, how young kids are becoming ‘ungovernable.’
Every position, comment, outrage is substantive. Let’s focus on the issue and its source. Let’s open the wound so that it gets air to heal. Let’s dig more. I started by sharing my experience in boarding school and its impact. Thankfully, I did not repeat that pattern and become a bully. Matter of fact, I was even bullied by a junior student as a senior – LOL.
Sadly, children can be mean. Bullying isn’t new. Neither is hazing and all other forms of abuse. Every bully has a parent or guardian. The question is, why does bullying happen? This article states that a “common reason a kid is a bully is that he/she lacks attention from a parent at home and lashes out at others for attention.” It adds, “kids usually bully because they learn this behavior at home.” It is learned behavior and can be from the parents, a parent, an older sibling – a close family member essentially.
I graduated high school at 15 and college four years later. After speeding through these milestones, by 20-21, I was working and living alone in a tiny space. The past decade and a half felt like a blur. I didn’t know how to be in relationships. My communication and basic relationship skills were weak. Feedback or criticism was hard, and for years, despite receiving them professionally because it was essential to my growth, it was never easy. I thrived academically but struggled socially. I built a wall and a hard exterior to survive bullying and protect myself. I just realized that I may have also been emotionally unavailable and self-sabotaging – this wasn’t only from the trauma of being bullied. I experienced the death of my first relationship as a sophomore in college. Parents can also be bullies to their kids.
Every day on social media, we come across the most mean-hearted comments by adults. These adults are in our lives as us, friends, siblings, spouses, parents, colleagues. Unfortunately, these individuals model mean behaviors to their kids or mistreat them, and they eventually find a target at home or outside.
In a typical Nigerian home, the priority and measure of love are feeding and providing shelter. These are two essential needs but are not the only ones or most important. I’ll always say that there is nothing like too much love for a child. A loved child – not spoilt, indulged, etc., who knows that they are loved will spread the love at home and outside. When we love our children, they know that they are the priority. In prioritizing them, we spend quality time, and, in those moments, our gentle words and exchanges reaffirm them, and they can be edifying. They will feel secure.
When you’re loved and know it, you are content and spread it. Look at a woman or man in love. Look at a baby, look at a child. When you doubt that you are loved, the tendency may be to seek attention to satisfy that need. This is when kids may engage in rebellious behaviors, and adults make harmful choices.
There are cases where a child from a love-filled home can still be a bully, according to Dr. Denis Sukhodolsky. His research mentions mental health challenges such as autism, tics, or attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). But, he says, “often they are not even aware that some of their behaviors are seen as inappropriate or may bring unwelcome attention.”
Some of our ‘normal’ behaviors may be bullying in nature. I encourage everyone to research and understand bullying. Thereafter search yourself to see if you could be a bully. That is the starting point to raising more compassionate children. Talk to your kids and people around you. Don’t be complacent and think that your child is incapable of bullying. This article by Susan Peck quotes a therapist as saying, “Ninety-nine percent of parents will say, ‘No way, not my kid’ and get defensive. The therapist goes on to say, “but every kid is capable of bullying, even the kid you think is an angel.”
Essentially, you can do all the right things, and your child will still make wrong choices. Accept it when it happens, firmly correct your child, and let them know it won’t be tolerated. Reset. I always tell my friends that parenting is a daily commitment; you reset daily – every day is a new day and offers new opportunities.
Boarding schools will always be an option for some families and kids. For some kids, it may be safer than home. Unfortunately, bullying can also happen in day schools – it does happen.
“We get education from home, and instruction from school; when a school becomes home, what then?”
Parents, we have work to do. Please put your child’s needs and interests first; listen when they talk, especially a contrary or unpopular opinion. Investigate issues. Do not be dismissive. If your child does not want to be in boarding school, let them stay home. We protest our society’s expectation on the test of womanhood being her ability to bear the pain inflicted upon her by others. But on the other side, stretch our kids’ mental and emotional health. We tell them to withstand discomfort, stress, be in stressful situations, etc. Why do we push our kids? What is the lesson?
Our kids will grow up fast, and you’ll have all the time in the world. So make the years count because, in no distant future, you will wake up to a quiet house, a clean kitchen, a full fridge, a perfectly made bed, an immaculate room, and a full gas tank.
Everyone is a victim in Sylvester’s case. Unfortunately, Sylvester is gone and can never be with his family. Sylvester’s family will never be the same. The accused kids will suffer this guilt for the rest of their lives. Their families too. years, ago someone casually said ‘pray against irreparable mistakes.” It stuck with me and has become one of my main prayer points as a parent.
May God help us fulfill our custodial roles to the best of our abilities. May our lives reflect grace, warmth, kindness, and positivity. Amen.
