“Yes, of course! Ignore the man/woman, make yourself happy and focus on your children!”
That is the standard response given to someone in a conflict-filled and tense marriage, especially by Nigerians.
When you begin to consider this crucial question, the chances are that your relationship has degenerated. The possibilities are that your relationship has undergone enormous strain and fruitless mediations that the likelihood of repair is slipping away.
When we get married, we make that decision based on one individual. After marriage, the weight of our choices loses its individuality and becomes somewhat communal – this is typical in African culture. So now you start thinking collectively – about implications on the nuclear and extended family. Children, if the union was blessed with it, parents, friends, etc.
As much as we say that we should make decisions in our best interest, the truth is that most people will consider others first and adopt measures that will cater to the needs of others. But, unfortunately, making a self-centered decision to walk away is usually the last resort. It becomes imminent when the state of your emotional health threatens your ability to thrive. 
So, I tried towing this part of staying for my kids. Fortunately, he didn’t take me up on it and moved out, which offered me the opportunity for a true and honest reflection and courage to make the best decision. Either way, in this predicament, no decision is an easy one. This article by fatherly.com summarily says, ‘sorry, there’s no right answer.”
By all means, stay, if that’s the only way to get your basic needs met, AND importantly you can maintain a healthy and honest friendship, OR there is a genuine effort at rebuilding the relationship by BOTH parties. Because of how hard divorce is and how it brings out the worst in people, it requires careful consideration. This article on the parent.com website recommends “go for counseling, read books, talk with friends and loved ones, work at it.” If all fails, as was in my case, and our conflict became frequent and unresolved, thereby affecting the quality of my parenting, we separated and eventually divorced.
Divorce, no doubt, has its impact on the children. Still, it can serve as raw material for building positive characteristics, like empathy, focus, patience, and self-awareness, among others, with deliberate & conscious parenting. The truth is, we would all face some life trauma in the cause of life, but for children with divorced parents, trauma, unfortunately, comes early. Divorce is never easy on the children despite their age so, there is no ‘right’ age for parents to divorce when they have children.
Evidence shows that parental conflict (in a marriage or divorce) has the most damaging effect on children. Hence, a high conflict situation is stressful, and an unhealthy relationship does no good to a child. As a mom or dad, you’re drained, and parenting becomes ineffective and inconsistent.
The argument which makes logical sense is that the home with mom and dad is secure, offering more protection, stability, and socially and religiously acceptable by most. If both of you commit to civility and consistent parenting, then yes, stick it out. Otherwise, staying in a union loaded with anger, frustration, and pain will lead to neglect & checking out of parenting.
When people say they stay for their children, do they really or are they avoiding more significant fears & reality? If you choose to remain married, commit to the process and model that commitment to your children. Let’s not claim that we’re protecting our children yet exposing them to unhealthy relations. Children have never been served by their parents staying together only for this reason.
How many of your friends come from divorced homes? In a society like ours (African households), single-parent homes are in the minority. So, who’s raising all the emotionally unstable, self-centered, and manipulative adults we see today? Most of them, like me, came from homes with both parents, and I can tell you at what point the parenting ship sailed. How children deal with divorce depends heavily on how the parents deal with it.
Divorce is always the last option when both or one has exhausted their bandwidth. Please think carefully before you decide to stay for the kids; they may be the reason you need to make the heartbreaking but brave decision to walk away! That’s what I did.
For my bible carrying readers, who may ponder what God would say, please read Mathew 7:1-5 (ESV).
Share your thoughts, experiences, or advice. Thanks
