Things to consider when you start dating again.

Thoughts of dating again can be scary. The process of restarting, putting yourself in positions of vulnerability, the possibility of rejection can discourage anyone from dating. BUT, humans’ most innate desire is to find and sustain connections. And to discover, you must explore.

I didn’t know how to date. I got married early and was inexperienced when it came to relationships in general. Growing up, we were pretty sheltered, and as such, my interpersonal skills were fledgling for a while. So I didn’t know how to choose who to build a relationship with; I pretty much got chosen. I sucked at sustaining and nurturing connections as a teenager and young adult.

Because I lacked these skills, I didn’t have platonic male friends that stayed long enough to be childhood friends, except they were family friends. There were a few boys that I connected with, but we couldn’t grow a friendship because in our time and place if you are seen talking to a boy, you guys must be having sex. In addition, adults would show signs of disapproval if your circle had the opposite gender. Nevertheless, I did get into some trouble, and there’s one memory that sticks. Perhaps, maybe one day, I’ll share the details for laughs! It is funny now but wasn’t back then. Now, imagine my clumsiness as I dabbled back into the dating world – all rusty and musty, in today’s world.

Before you start dating after a long relationship, date yourself! Reconnect with your inner self. Figure out whether you still like the same things. Figure out your needs, likes, and dislikes. Enjoy your own company. Love yourself first. You also need to process your last relationship and figure out the lessons. Clearly define the non-negotiables. Let go of any resentments and regrets. Then put yourself out there. The reward outweighs the sacrifice, so go for it.

New age dating is different. And I like it, except for the initial small talk LOL. Being older, with relational experience and a better understanding of self and needs, is helpful as I navigate these unchartered waters. You’ll quickly realize that most people meet online! The dating apps are where the magic happens, and you even get some help with navigating the small talk phase. I met people offline and online., and still do. Creating an online dating account felt like I was setting up on an escort website, no offense to the ladies who do. It felt so alien; I felt exposed and like I had committed an abominable act. You see, by being catholic and Igbo, I am soaked in an overflow of anointing conscience!!!

After a few experiments and blows to my self-esteem, I got over this conditioning, which is my ego. Finally, I mastered online dating, acquiring a few tips and tricks to navigating the online dating space. Dating has many positives – the main one for me as a rusty single woman was the ‘loosening of the tongue.’ Seriously, by dating, I started practicing the art of conversing.

My first date was with someone I met through friends. It was so awkward that I didn’t know what to do with my hands and forgot how to chew!!! I don’t recall ever feeling that way, and it had nothing to do with how I felt about him. It was just unnatural for me. I ended up letting him know that I was about to start twitching from all the nerves, and he busted into a laughing fit. It turns out he was nervous too.

Dating requires a skill set. The purpose of dating is to ‘investigate’ a connection. It is an interview for both of you to test compatibility. You’re both asking questions, listening, analyzing. You’re trying to see if there’s a physical connection, and even more, an emotional one. You’re checking for flags based on your experience and knowledge. You’re checking for similarities and differences in values, aspirations, and even boring stuff like, do they have good dental hygiene, have health insurance, live an active life, etc.

If your kids are older, let them know that you’re going on dates. I said ‘going on dates’ for a reason. If you said dating, it might register as being in a relationship. I didn’t tell my daughters for a bit. I’ll have dates set up two weeks in advance and rehearse what I’ll say as an excuse for leaving the house. I’ll be anxious days leading up to my date. My daughters would call me every 10 mins while I was out. During this period, I realized that my new behavior was unusual – when not at work, I was always with them. Now, I was ‘sneaky.’ So, after almost a year of sweating and lying to leave MY house, I finally let them know that I was beginning to date and not hurrying to be in a relationship.

Have a sense of humor. I dey tell you, these dating apps will humble you.

One brother that I was pitying, oh, hung up on me during our first zoom date – ‘I agreed to a zoom date with a guy that I wasn’t feeling.’ When the call dropped, I knew he hung up, and though I was relieved, I also felt rejected, just stared into space in wonder. Chai, see the reason why you shouldn’t compromise?, but I still went back online with my tails now wrapped around my head. Don’t SETTLE, and you are not for everyone – some people are just rude and socially bankrupt.

‘Dating should be like a horse race – you need many horses to make it a race!’ Hence, date with a purpose, but do NOT be exclusive until all the questions you have are answered, and you’re at peace with the person. And both of you have had THAT conversation where you both decide that it is time to move to the next phase – formalize, exclusivity and relationship. Women tend to hurry to be exclusive because they are afraid they’ll leave them and find someone else. Queen, if you aren’t ready to be exclusive or in a relationship, DO NOT. This is how I am dating. To be exclusive is a commitment. To commit, you need time to learn about this person and figure out if you are a good fit. For me, when I commit, I commit. Commitment isn’t hard for me, but this time, I am doing it differently.

If a man or woman pressures you to commit or threatens to move on, give them wings so they can fly along. Anything good is 100 percent worth the wait. I want a man to explore a relationship with me without any pressure. To see me at my highest and lowest. I want him to know that I snore and am a creature of habit. That I can be strong-headed and experience my doggedness to self-growth. To learn of my traumas and the work that I have done and doing. I want him to see how protective I am of the ones I love. To see how under this tough exterior is a very soft interior. After ALL, I want him to know that I am the one for him and choose me as I will him. Wouldn’t that make a great love story? In the meantime, we stay dating and non-exclusive.

Be careful and watchful. There are wounded people out there who would masterfully prey on your vulnerabilities. If it is too perfect, flawless, you’re swooning in fantasy land, and it most likely is a red flag. If it’s too good to be true, it probably is. Time reveals all, well most.

Have a dating village. Your village could be anyone – your siblings, parents, friends, colleagues, etc. Someone or people you trust to share your dating experiences. People who’ll keep a mental log of your experiences, what you share, and align your experiences with what you’ve said you want. They serve as your accountability circle. Listen to them.

Be open-minded.

Date outside your ‘type’ if you have one of those. We’ve all grown and evolved in different ways. We don’t like all the same things we wanted in our twenties. Certain things like core values, for instance, may have stayed the same, but physical attributes, social habits, and other dispositions may have evolved.

The following happens when you start dating again, after being in a long term committed relationship:

1. Your ego will take a few hits. I bravely embraced the hits. You see, we all need a reality reset. And disappointments usually have nothing to do with you!
2. A good portion of your time will be allotted to nurturing connections. Fortunately, you’ll quickly come to realize that most of it is wasted time!
3. Your patience will be tested. Remember that it is a long game, hence indulge in some chamomile tea and weights. Zen will help you persist.
4. Do NOT. I beg you, DO NOT give up. How will you find your life partner if you don’t set time aside and intentionally connect?
5. Your children remain a priority. But please don’t use them as an excuse to stay home and not socialize. Our children want us to be happy. So when they leave home, you’ll have a life and not stalk them. Instead, use this time to find and nurture your future companionship.

If, after all this, my sister and brother, the relationship fails, restart the process again and again. Love finds the eternal optimist, the love warriors. Don’t curl up, eating ice cream, and binge-watching hallmark TV. You get good with practice, and maybe the next time will be the TIME.

My Nigerian family will read this now and be scandalized because they mentally switch dating with ‘segzing” LOL! I don’t mean ‘segzing’ several dates. I mean dating the old-fashioned way – ‘not sleeping together or hooking up. Have a good vetting process and keep the pipeline filled.’ Periodt!

Thank you for reading. Share this will someone who’s at this stage in life. Also, opt-in to our newsletter, so you stay informed about new posts and giveaways.

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