Navigating single parenthood

I grew up with both parents, and we didn’t have a single-parent home in our immediate circle. It wasn’t until my late teenage years that I encountered a single-parent household. What stuck from my experience was the mom’s constant state of exhaustion, along with a diligently followed schedule. Fast forward to 2016, when I became a single mom, this memory came to serve, and I held on to it as a sure path to sanity.

Raising children can be difficult under any circumstance. However, without a partner, the stakes are higher and even more difficult.  The reality of becoming the sole ‘clearing house’ for important decisions, the neutralizer for good and bad days, custodian of the family’s finances, the regulator, among others, was a whiplash. Yet, I held on even in dark moments because I had promised myself that despite how tough it got, I’d pull through. I quickly realized that if I was okay, my daughters were okay.

I became a single parent when my daughters were all under 8. And it was hard, mainly because I was back in school trying to get my second masters degree. But, as hard as it was, I stayed determined that my children would not suffer any further. So I wrote down what I would eventually refer to as ‘The KOKO checklist.” “The Koko” is a Nigerian slang that means the deal, what matters, what’s important. So for me, it meant, at the end of the day, this is what matters. So, I’d consult this checklist daily to see if I missed something and adjust if I did.

You will have good and bad days. But building a positive mindset, prioritizing the health of my mind and body, and maintaining a close relationship with my kids helped us pull through. Having a routine, asking for help from family and friends, laughter, keeping my kids active helped us navigate the early stages of single parenting.

Divorce is a significant life change. In the early days, I was offered a great job opportunity on the east coast. I knew that this move would upset my kids’ stability. They loved their school and friends. We lived close to my family and were blessed with a great community. Moving to the DMV area meant another significant life change too soon and losing our support network. Fortunately for me, a local job opportunity was an option, and I took it. Both jobs were great, but the offer I declined was significantly more financially rewarding and in a familiar sector. While the money was great and would have helped with our finances, our priority at that time was emotional survival and stability. Thankfully, I chose stability and a slower pace so we could tide over. I also happen to like the new job. A few years before my divorce, my cousin also divorced and left his top executive position, moved home and closer to family, and started his own business to be present for his children. As a single parent, please recognize that you’re in a different season, adjust and reprioritize.

Despite how old your kids are, be honest about everything. You can do this in a way that doesn’t require airing adults’ dirty linen or emotionally overhauling on your child. Be honest about your feelings, take responsibility, acknowledge what you can’t share and why. Do not manipulate your children or make them responsible for your emotional health.

Co-parenting is ideal when both parents can put their differences aside to put their children’s interests first. In my case, I fruitlessly hoped for cordiality which made adapting and parenting more complex. If there’s the possibility to co-parent successfully, explore it and make it work. When kids see their divorced parents working together, it helps them deal with the divorce better and adjust faster to the new reality. If goodwill isn’t your reality, you need to remove yourself and your emotions from the relationship between the kids and the other parent. I highly recommend getting professional help through counseling to help you and the children. Counseling helped my children acquire adaptive skills that offered them a set of tools to navigate parental relationships. Hopefully, one of the parents can put their ego aside and refuse to engage in the conflict. Remember, it’s only a fight if two people are involved. Disengage from the source of the conflict and empower the kids.

Consistent discipline can be challenging in single parenting. Again, successful co-parenting helps guarantee a level of consistency and balance. If that’s not your situation, stay committed, consistent, and flexible as you can be. Several articles show that single parent’s discipline approach either overcompensates or under compensates. Overcompensating in discipline or single parenting involves a lot of fear and control. Undercompensating also involves fear and relinquishing control. None is recommended, and I have been on both sides a few times in the past. Conscious parenting, complemented by knowing that children thrive in structure and discipline, is every single parent’s way of figuring out strategies and tactics that work for their families. This process is not straightforward so remember to be easy on yourself and keep at it.

Parenting is a daily recommitment. Acknowledging that our kids are growing, figuring things and themselves out, and need guidance and several iterations helped me recommit daily. I would consistently center our family’s values at the core of our discussions, actions, and parenting decisions. In the daily chaos of life and parenting, it was mentally easy to know how to react if a behavior misaligned with our values. And every ‘incident’ is a teaching opportunity. Do not lose it being overly emotional and reactive!

Get the kids involved early in making decisions. As the head of household, single parents make all the decisions, and it’s easy to cruise control this process. But recently, my daughter said, why do you ask for my opinion if you’ll still make the final decision? LOL. My response was that I wanted her to be involved in the process and feel heard. And that while her opinion is vital, in some cases, I may make a different decision because I have a broader understanding of what is at stake and will make a decision that’s in our collective best interest.

As the sole parent, be strategic with your family’s choices. See, since it’s only you, you’ll need to figure how to reinforce your kid’s daily routine in a way that compliments your parenting. For instance, signing up the girls for sports supports discipline, grit, hard work, patience. Likewise, getting them involved in our church’s choir and altar service strengthens faith, spirituality, hope, among others.

Love for children should be unconditional. Withholding love and affection when they’ve made poor choices is manipulative.

As my daughters get older, our relationship evolves from custodial to mentoring/guardianship. But, again, we’re talking about real-life issues. How you talk to your teenage daughter or son about sex, friendships, body image, boundaries, and self-confidence matters.

A few weeks ago, my godson was with us and talking back at his aunty. My oldest said to him, ‘stop talking back, and he said, ‘don’t you talk back, and all three of my daughters laughed and said, ‘we’ll be dead if we did.’ Now, of course, they’re exaggerating. The truth is they talk back at different degrees, depending on this issue, but they know better. Somehow, I have managed to create an environment where I am strict and understanding at the same time. Of course, I am not always good at this roller coaster called single parenting. Recently, I overreacted over a situation about dress choice to school. I felt my position was rational, but I failed in expressing it. I felt terrible as I left for work and planned to email my daughter to apologize. However, she emailed first, apologizing. I replied, saying, ‘no, I should be apologizing and did.’ Of course, she gloated over it and milked this vulnerable moment, and I am not upset at that, LOL.

Taking accountability and accepting that I erred in judgment demonstrated to my daughter that I am not perfect and that it’s okay to make and own mistakes. Importantly, apologize without reserve. Model the behavior you want to see. I live an active lifestyle and, most times, make healthy food choices. My daughters are aware of and model healthy eating and active lifestyle. I have worked out consistently for several years. My kids grew up knowing that I went to the gym at certain times and deliberated about my food choices. It wasn’t surprising when I started hearing them talk about food choices or nutrition or plan to incorporate some workout routines before school. Over time, their interests grew, and I knew that I had to support them to stay active; and as their interests in sports grew, I started researching ‘supporting children’s athletes.’

Work on your personal finances if money is an issue. Before my divorce, I had a successful decade-old career in international development. I was also entrepreneurial. The mental stress of a loveless relationship made me leave my high-pressure job to force things to slow down, and I can be with my kids, so I did not work except for occasional consulting for a whole year. One year later, I went back to grad school and, at that time, filed for a divorce. My finances were a mess. I remember feeling immense shame applying for food stamps despite being several households source of income in Nigeria. I will never forget my oldest daughter’s shame when I told her daughter that we were on food stamps. I’ll never forget how I cried at the social services office, and the caseworker had to console me and gave me a temporary card on the spot. I’ll never forget when I updated my income at social services and stopped qualifying for the stamps. I am sharing because this is one of my biggest shames and my most significant teaching period. I started organizing my finances and dogged about achieving financial independence for us. I started learning about personal finances, especially how to budget, save and invest. I started talking to my daughters about how to make money work for them. I started researching life insurances because if I die, I want my daughters to be financially secure. This is reality.

My parenting goal is to raise self-aware, happy, and confident girls who’ll love unconditionally and without fear of heartbreak. Who are optimistic about life and have faith in people. Who will weather any storm knowing that there’s going to be light if they stay strong – because we’ve been there. I am finding that my fears and comfort are challenged in this journey, and I am unlearning so many things, overcoming inhibitions, and freeing myself, invariably my children. I tell my friends that if we approach parenting as an everyday recommitment that requires constant iteration, rid of ego, and abounding in love, we’ll win. Our children will thrive.

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